Memoirs of the Innocent

A Confuse State

It has been quite a while since I posted anything here. I am currently going through something personal, an inner battle within my soul. I have not written any poetry – I think, I’m on a dry spell; I can’t seem to find it in me to write my thoughts for poetry. It’s not writer’s block because I’m currently finishing a fan fiction that I am writing, one friend has been reading it, and it is her encouragement that keeps me going. She keeps pushing me to finish it, otherwise, I will keep her hanging, and I don’t want that.

As you know, I’m currently living in the Middle East as an expat. After I came back from home, I’ve gotten the vacation blues. I dream of the crystal blue seas and the refreshing palm trees in the tropics. I came here for a purpose, to soul search. And so far, whenever I look into myself, I see it back home and maybe this is where I’m supposed to be. Maybe I was always meant to go back home and build my life there.

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Everything is a blur right now

And even with this, I am struggling. A conflict rises within me, my hopes and dreams to travel, to meet people and experience, will be on pause should I choose to go home. It’s scary to admit, but this fear paralyzes me (maybe that’s an overstatement, but you know what I mean). I feel like somehow, I “made” it already and moving back home is a move backward, and not forward. But at the same time, I see it as an opportunity to prove myself once more. I feel like if I do go home, I’m back to zero. And this could be both a positive and negative thing, I’m focusing on the positive right now.

For now, I have six months to think things through until my contract ends. Within those six months, I can only hope that both my vision and path are clearer. I still am blessed to be able to have these kinds of choices in my life.

On another news, I’m currently on a reading trance, I call it that because there will be moments when I jump from one book to another with no rest. Within the last week, I’ve finished four full fledge books, and now, I’m reading another one I intend to finish in the next 48 hours. And then, when the magic stops, sometimes, I don’t pick a book for weeks long. And maybe this is my way of escaping / ignoring whatever thoughts I have right now. So I’m just enjoying it.

Anyway, thank you for all your support and reading my never ending drama. Hahaha ☺

 

Books Collage
In case you were wondering what those four books were. I absolutely loved Aristotle and Dante by the way, a must read. 🙂
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