It’s been a long time since I was able to talk about you freely, without bile in my mouth and only a hint of regret in my voice. Looking back, I often wondered how I managed all those late night talks with you and some early morning ones. You were my time keeper, the sun neither rise nor sets without you.
It’s been what, seven years? And still, your memories are vivid as the paintings on my wall. I’ve always said to myself, that us, we were a lost cause long before the battle started. The relationship was doomed, even before it ended. I knew that, and I know that deep within you, you knew that too. It is difficult to admit, because, I was cheering for us. Every step we took together, a voice inside me was screaming to hold on – hoping so very hard, for it to work.
I was the one who gave up first. Every now then, when I get a moment t look back, I think about our “what ifs.” What if I never gave up? What if I held on? What if I didn’t break us apart? Is there still an us?
It has become a habit of mine to think about these things, but the last question always gets me. I know the answer, even when I don’t say it out loud. We were never meant for each other, so even if I held on, even if I didn’t break us apart – something would have. And I would still be where I am now, reminiscing and thinking of what could’ve been.
Why? Why do you still haunt me though? Why does the memory of you still put me in a trance, like a time capsule?
I can never wrap my head around it. I am sure that by now, you have forgotten me. I am only a memory of late night coffees and early morning soirees. But for me, you’ll always be my what if.
Interestingly, tonight, I found one of my “Free Write” folders in my computer. In one of my poems, I mentioned that I have so many unfinished stories, most of them were part of my free write exercises awhile back. I wasn’t confident enough to share those free writes publicly, even in my previous blog.
The one above, is one of them. A part of it is true story while some of it are fictional.
Since I started updating this blog, I’ve gotten to know a lot of cool bloggers who encourages me to continue writing. I want to say thank you, to everyone who followed me, to those who liked, to those who commented, just everyone who reads my blog – you truly inspire me to continue to hone my skills.
If it weren’t for any of you, I wouldn’t be sharing my random thoughts and random writings. So thank you people, just so you know, you are helping the world – you just helped me. 🙂