Note: I wrote this a few months back but I didn’t realize that it was never published and sitting idly in the draft box.
Whether you’re 22 or 42, the journey to self-discovery never ends. There are those few lucky ones, the ones who have known where they were always meant to be and the ones who have found where they should be.
For the rest of us, some takes on the challenge of discovering themselves, while others, choose to look away and be merry on their existence.
The promise of self-discovery, soul searching and whatever its called was one of the reasons why I decided to fly away from my nest. Of the four months that I have been here I’ve quite gotten to know myself more. Often, I find myself alone in my room with nothing but my computer and a long list of TV shows – Desperate Housewives, Bones, Supernatural, Criminal Minds – you name it and I might have it. And although I absolutely enjoy consuming these media, I would sometimes find myself reflecting on who I am.
There is never really a time for it. Sometimes it catches me while I’m in a bus ride, while I’m doing my groceries and most of the time, in the middle of the night when I need to shut my eyes but can’t seem to do so. I always call them my “midnight meanderings.”
I have learned that even though some of my friends would strongly disagree, the introvert in me has taken over my personality. When I was in college, I would have never associated myself with the word. I was always around making friends with everyone and making fun out of myself. I would dance in front of the whole class with no thoughts whatsoever, I would sing in front of a crowd just for the heck of it. One time, I went up the stage and lip sync while my friend with a golden voice was singing in the corner – we almost had the audience but then my friend laughed. The roar in the audience was unbelievable. I was that girl, the girl who was friends with almost everyone. I was the extrovert who as much as possible wouldn’t take a drink , who didn’t smoke and was always concerned with safety. I was that kind of person. WAS. And that person was fun and I missed her! Those were the days when I scrimp over my allowance and would not even dare buy myself a good book because I couldn’t afford.
So then came my job, with a job was money and with money comes purchasing power. This is how my story of books started. I was finally earning money for myself, enough to waste it on precious books! I would finish a book in two days and I’d find myself in the bookstore to get my next fixed. I was addicted to books! So the story of me becoming a hermit started.
Over the years, I would keep a small circle of friends. In this circle, I can be my old crazy college self. They understand me even if the world flipped. I’m dragging it ain’t I? So, this is the story of how I became an introvert. And as I moved to a new country with knowing no one, I find myself secluding and withdrawing. The nature of my job doesn’t help, the fact that I don’t have an office mate other than my boss really limits my social life. So I find myself going to work and then going home. I would like to go out every now and then, if only someone would ask me.
But don’t get me wrong, I find my evolution amusing. I charge it to my “self-discovery” period. If people take a moment to step back and actually take a look at themselves, and ask if they’re happy with who they are, then maybe this world won’t be so f*cked up.
I don’t have the perfect life here, yes, I mostly stay at home, but I love that. I know that there are more days, years to come for me to go out. I’ve already taken a great step by moving thousands of miles away from home and I think I earn the right to be a hermit at this point.
There is power of being an introvert and I fully intend to discover it. This is the best thing about being an ambivert, I can switch to both personalities when I want and don’t have to apologize for it.
So now, let me enjoy the life I have.